These Words from My Parent Which Helped Me during my time as a First-Time Dad

"I believe I was simply trying to survive for the first year."

One-time reality TV star Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the challenges of fatherhood.

But the actual experience soon proved to be "completely different" to his expectations.

Serious health complications surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was forced into acting as her main carer as well as caring for their infant son Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, every change… every stroll. The duty of mother and father," Ryan stated.

After eleven months he burnt out. That was when a conversation with his own dad, on a park bench, that helped him see he needed help.

The direct statement "You are not in a healthy space. You need support. What can I do to assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and start recovering.

His experience is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. Although the public is now better used to discussing the strain on mothers and about postpartum depression, less is said about the difficulties new fathers face.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan feels his challenges are linked to a wider inability to open up between men, who often internalise harmful perceptions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and stays upright with each wave."

"It is not a display of failure to seek help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, says men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - most notably in preference to a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental state is just as important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the space to request a break - spending a short trip overseas, outside of the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He came to see he required a shift to consider his and his partner's emotional states as well as the logistical chores of taking care of a infant.

When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan perceives being a dad.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will see as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will help his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotional life and understand his parenting choices.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen was without reliable male a father figure. Even with having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, long-standing emotional pain meant his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing emotions resulted in him make "terrible choices" when younger to alter how he felt, turning in alcohol and substances as an escape from the hurt.

"You turn to substances that aren't helpful," he explains. "They can temporarily change how you feel, but they will in the end exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Getting By as a New Dad

• Share with someone - when you are swamped, speak to a family member, your spouse or a therapist about your state of mind. Doing so may to reduce the stress and make you feel less isolated.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the things that made you feel like you before becoming a parent. Examples include playing sport, socialising or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the physical health - eating well, getting some exercise and where possible, resting, all are important in how your mind is coping.
• Spend time with other parents in the same boat - sharing their journeys, the challenges, and also the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that requesting help isn't failing - taking care of your own well-being is the best way you can look after your loved ones.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the loss, having had no contact with him for years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead give the stability and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they do "releasing the emotion" together - processing the frustrations in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they acknowledged their pain, altered how they communicate, and learned to manage themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I expressed that in a message to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, sometimes I think my role is to teach and advise you on life, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering just as much as you are in this journey."